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The Beer Belly: Be The Beer!
Bud Light

Bud Light: Now I Know Beans About Bud Light

1.59 average, 260 votes
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by Mark Stevens
2008 November 15

Flying Dog
At A Glance
Beer: Bud Light
Pros: Bottles can be used as flower vases in a pinch
Cons: The “taste”
The Bottom Line: One of the most pitiful excuses for “beer” ever to disgrace the shelves of a liquor store. Recognized as hazardous substance in some states.
Recommended: No

Hahahaha! I get it! April Fools joke! A couple of my friends were over at my house and they naturally brought a couple sixes over. Well, when I went into my beer fridge only to see that horrifying red and blue “Bud Light” label staring me in the face I started shrieking in terror. After a few minutes of deep breathing, I managed to calm down a little and was able to chuckle at the sublimity of the joke.

Well, what the heck…I didn’t pay for it, and it does bear the word “beer” on the label, so I guess I can pop it open and give it a totally fair and unbiased review.

Well, the right moment is here, and quicker than I expected! Let’s pop this puppy and get the pain over with, shall we?

What the Heck?!
I always like choosing exactly the right kind of glassware for each beer that I sample. The presentation really helps showcase the beer’s particular strengths to proper advantage. For a fine beer like the Bud Light I will choose an empty can of Van Camp’s Pork N Beans (rinsed out with warm water, of course).

Appearance:
The beer is a sickly anemic, nearly colorless fluid that kicks up a course short-lived head. Of course an overly processed industrial beer is going to be filtered, so the beer in hand is very clear — oh wait a sec — what’s that? Ewww! Looks like I didn’t rinse the can out quite as well as I should have…

Flavor:
Mmmmm! This Bud Light is as rich and flavorful as a big scoop of the plain, saltless, butter-less mashed potatoes served up daily by hospital kitchens and elementary school cafeterias.

There is not a trace of those pesky malt or hop flavors that people who like good beer are always talking about. Very refreshing! (Oh wait, that was the Ozarka bottle I was drinking from — hmm, it tastes about the same as the Bud Light). I wonder what makes Bud Light taste so light and refreshing. Could be that it’s high in fiber and riboflavin — whoops, my mistake — I was reading the label on the beans.

Matching Bud Light to Food:
Lots of people like finding just the right food to go with a beer. For a beer with as much flavor as Bud Light, I would recommend Quaker Puffed Rice — no milk or sugar, please! It might also go well with pure distilled water served in styrofoam cups.

Bon apetit!

Verdict:
You won’t ever catch me drinking Bud Light again! In fact, I don’t even really want to finish this can of it. I kind of want to dump it down the toilet, but we have strict anti-pollution laws in my town. I also never throw away anything labeled “beer”. Oh hey! This can says “beans” on it!

There are 208 archived comments… View All
2 Comments from the Chuckle Patch leave one →
2010 February 28
Beerstone permalink

The born on date was the biggest advertising scam ever pulled upon the American beer drinking public in the history of advertising. I grew up around beer. My Mom ran a bar for 18 years, I’m of Dutch-German heritage so, yeah, I do know something about beer. The born on date was a license to sell beer before it has been properly aged and yes, beer needs to age. You convince people that beer older than a month is poison and you can sell beer aged 24 hours. And the end result is Bud Light and all the freakin A-B products. If you think I’m making this up, when I worked at a carry-out at the time Busch Light Draft was introduced, we couldn’t get any for a couple of weeks, they couldn’t meet demand. When we finally got a shipment in, there were still warehouse papers between some of the cases stating “DO NOT SELL BEFORE OCT” whatever the day and year were at the time. See, they used to AGE the damned stuff. And this trickery has filtered down to the other big 2 brewers. There isn’t a damned beer brewed by the big 3 that’s fit to drink unless you stash it in the back of the fridge for 3-4 months. Don’t believe me, take me to task and try it. Even Nasty Light isn’t bad if it has time to age properly. Now, choke on that all you piss water drinkers.

2010 March 9
joben permalink

this is very true. the born on dating shit was meant to keep beer from becoming skunky, but this is caused by infrared light breaking down the beers molecules. nothing to do with age. i wasn’t aware of what beerstone brought to light, but thank you for the heads up. it doesn’t surprise me.

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