G-man Jim’s Double Bypass Gravy

All my life growing up, there has always been heavy gravy on the family table. In the 1950’s, my father was a Special Agent for the FBI. Basically, he harassed commies for a living. His beliefs were simple- obey the law, go to church, don’t rat on your friends and eat hearty foods. So whenever a dead bird, pig or certain cuts of cow came for a visit, we had gravy.

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise when a double bypass was needed to fix his horribly clogged arteries.

I am certainly conscious of my own affinity for such clogging, as it is the type of affliction inherited like furniture and jewelry. That’s why I asked my father’s surgeon about when and how I should start thinking about my own arteries. His words were reassuring, “I wouldn’t worry about it until your 40th birthday.”

I couldn’t have been more overjoyed- that meant I still had some years to enjoy the old man’s gravy! Oh, life without it will suck, but for now I’ll continue to drizzle, glop and pour the savory stuff all over mashed potatoes, turkey with stuffing, chicken, roast beef, pork roast, ham and the like.

If you take the time factor out of things that kill you, I guess it’s the most deadly substance on earth. But gaw-dam, it sure is delicious.

Ingredients:
• Minced onion
• Salt
• Pepper
• Corn Starch
• Milk

First, roast a big hunk o’ meat. It doesn’t matter what kind, just make sure you save all the gross fat drippings and cooked skin that’s at the bottom of the pan. When your meat is done, take it out of the pan and put it someplace like a cutting board. Cover it with aluminum foil to keep it warm.

Now, put your roasting pan on your stove-top and turn the heat up to medium. Toss in your minced onion.

While that heats up, get a big plastic tumbler- something like one of those 38 ounce Big Guzzler Soda cups they give you at 7-11. Pour in about 3 cups of milk. Then scoop in about a cup of corn starch (you can substitute regular flour). Now take a wire whisk and start whisking like a maniac. If you’ve got a blender, use that. You should wind up with what look s like a melted McDonald’s Vanilla Shake.

Now, check your roasting pan to see if it’s hot by spitting in it. Yeah! Go ahead, just give it a little drop. If you’re a pussy, you can sprinkle some water in there instead. Either way, it should pop and bubble when it hits. If it does, toss in that tumbler of goop.

Stir that around for awhile, adding the pepper and salt to taste. You should see the goop mix with the fat and scraps while it boils. Turn the heat up and really get it roiling (you want to cook out as much moisture as possible).

Pretty soon, you’ll see something that looks like gravy. Some folks like it loose and juicy, others like it thick like glue. You decide. If you cook it into glue and want it loose, just add some water. If you don’t see it getting thick enough for your taste, add some of that corn starch.

When you’ve got it tasting right, pour it into a gravy boat and serve (angioplasty is optional).