Editors Note: Sometimes you make exceptions for celebrities. Ted, being a stand-up comedian, is the only guy we know that has appeared on Letterman, Conan, Leno, Dr. Katz and has had his own Comedy Central special. So when he said he’d write a beer review for us, we said sure. He mentions beer somewhere in this article. Visit his website for more on Ted.
I am proud to report that, yes, Alaska really does exist. Not only does it exist, but it is broken down into smaller cities and towns. I always thought calling it “Alaska” was sufficient, but I spent a week in the Alaskan cities of Ketchikan, Sitka and Juneau. It’s an amazing place but I didn’t see a single igloo. No eskimos rubbing noses, no dog sleds, no ice fishing, no northern lights. And no 24 hours of sunlight or darkness, either. Sun went up in the morning and it went down at night, no big deal. I was beginning to think that the whole Alaskan mystique I grew up hearing about was all a hoax but then I saw a group of kids playing hockey on a frozen lake and I said “Finally!!! Keep at it kids! You’re doing important work!!”
I will admit that the Alaskan cold is entirely legit. It is freezing over there (or up there, or wherever) despite the natives trying to convince me that “ten degrees isn’t cold.” Yes, it is. Ten degrees is only ten more than zero, which means no degrees. I like a lot of degrees, and degrees are harder to come by in Alaska than in the N.B.A. draft lottery. Just about the only thing I like with less degrees is beer.
I am not a connoisseur of beer. I don’t know much about it, I don’t drink a heckuva lot of it, but I know that when I want to get drunk, beer is my drink of choice. This wasn’t always the case; I was a wine cooler sissy in high school until I realized that it was just me and the girls, which was fun to a point but then it was just sad. But now I’m a beer guy, if only in the sense that I’m a guy and I drink beer. Spending a week alone in Alaska, I did my share of drinking- for obvious reasons.
On the suggestion of the locals, I partook of Alaskan Amber and Alaskan Winter Ale. From what I remember, the Alaskan Amber was a bit stronger, with a sharp taste to it. The Winter had a “lighter” taste, a flavor more reminiscent of winter. I would be remiss if I failed to mention hops; I liked the hops.
Look, basically they are both beers, okay? They were cold and I drank a bunch of ‘em. There was a band playing; I remember a band. Now I know why those beer ads use adjectives like “crisp”, “clean” and “bold”; it’s hard to describe beer, especially after you’ve consumed enough to kill a moose, and there were plenty of them around so it made for a potentially dangerous situation. What’s my point? If you’re ever alone in Alaska, try the Alaskan Amber or the Winter blend. It’s good beer and, for God sakes, you’re alone in Alaska. Drink up!