Aw geez, it’s Valentine’s Day again. The consensus on this website is that February 14th equals trouble. Lucky for you Belly Buddy Brian Bailey is the most optimistic of us all on this Hallmark holiday. He has evolved (probably through trial and error) a plan for a sure hit evening with the ladies that, of course, revolves around a meal.
Guys, let’s admit it. We are all a bunch of fat slobs. You know it and we know it. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t be spending time reading beer review after beer review on an incredibly entertaining and informative website. Instead we’d be outside of the house doing things… something… anything. But we’re slobs- and most of us are fat.
But that has never stopped us from scoring with the ladies. See, we at the Belly know something that most people do not know- chicks dig thick boys (try doing a Google search for BHM and see what we mean). Why? Well, because they can be sure that we are real men. Meat eating, beer drinking, fun loving teddy bears who can provide countless hours of warm and soft cuddling beneath the covers. That is something some namby pamby hardbody could never do. Have you ever met a funny musclehead? No. How funny can a person be when every joke contains the words “squat thrust.” Good-looking guys are boring and unromantic. Fat slobs have to work hard at doing those little things that women love- humor and romance. Ask any honest chick, they’d admit that they would much rather spend a winter’s night with one of us, as long as we made it worth their while.
That’s the trick. No girl worth her salt will succumb without some wooing. So let’s give them what they want.
A home-cooked, low fat, sensuous dinner. If this sounds scary to you (especially the low fat part), relax. All you have to do is follow our foolproof three step plan and not only will you be whipping up supper, you’ll probably have to prepare breakfast too. We’ll give you the plan; you have to find the woman. Are you man enough?
Before you can even consider inviting some beautiful lady to your crib, clean everything. EVERYTHING!!! Sweep, mop, scrub and dust every conceivable surface in your abode. Pay particular attention to the bathroom- that toilet had better sparkle. So should the sink and the tub (you may need that later). Remember, that one forgotten short and curly that you left on the floor can send her running home. Another good idea is to light a scented candle. A guy’s place can tend to smell like a gerbil’s cage. When you think you’ve sanitized the whole joint, invite a friend-girl (a girl you don’t want to sleep with) to inspect.
PLAN, BABY, PLAN
Every detail counts guys, so think of everything. Spring for some cloth napkins. They can be purchased cheaply for under $10. Trust me, this one detail goes a long way. Also, place some flowers and long thin candles (white ones, preferably- they’re elegant) on the table. These things are cliched for a reason- chicks dig ‘em.
They dig ‘em so much you may consider a little gift for your guest… Aspen Bay Candles has a wide selection of enchanting (that’s right, enchanting) candles. And of course, chocolates usually can’t miss… Ghirardelli Chocolate right from San Francisco is sure to make any girl happy. Lastly, and certainly most importantly, flowers. Does that sound silly? She’ll dig it.
Turn off your cell phone. If you still have an answering machine at home, turn it down.
Plan the menu. Whatever you serve make sure its low fat (you can eat again tomorrow) and won’t keep you in the kitchen while she sits and waits for you. You can use the menu that appears at the end of this article, we don’t mind. But remember this maxim, “Seafood and spice makes you get nookie- that’s nice!”
There should be some alcohol. Wine is okay, champagne is fine, but if you want to wow her, get a couple bottles of sake. Its light, goes well with fish and doesn’t give you a hangover. Check out eSake.com for some ideas. Just make sure you or your date don’t get plastered or you’ll be missing out on some lovin’.
Finally choose the soundtrack. Don’t be obvious. Stay away from the Barry Whites and Marvin Gayes. They scream, “I’m gonna get laid!” The ladies may not be too receptive. Instead choose something ambient, like jazz.
TREAT HER LIKE A LADY
When she arrives, take her coat, hand her a beverage, and if it’s her first time at your place show her around. The place is clean, so don’t fear. Casually mention where you sleep. Don’t bring her to your room and announce, “Here’s the bedroom!” She’ll decide whether or not she wants to see the bedroom. If you follow the steps carefully, she will.
Make her feel at home. Let her help with dinner. She can toss the salad or pour the next drink. It will show her that you want her company and it will allow you to show off your prowess in the kitchen.
When it is time to eat, make sure she is seated and serve her. Don’t put all the food out family style. Prepare her plate simply. She’ll be amused by your lack of fuss. Remember you are not a namby-pamby. Sit and eat. But please, don’t eat like the fat slob we both know you are.
- Assorted greens. (Mesclun greens are readily available and look good on a plate)
- Juice of one lemon
- 1 tablespoons of Dijon mustard
- 1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
- Salt and Pepper to taste
Mix the mustard with the lemon juice. Slowly add the oil, stirring constantly until it is all incorporated. Season with salt and pepper. Place handfuls of greens on plate and drizzle scant tablespoons of oil over the greens. Doesn’t get any easier.
- 2 8 ounce tuna steaks, cut 3/4 inch thick
- 2 tablespoons of butter
- 1 teaspoon capers (drained)
- 1 tablespoons of lemon juice
- 1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
- 2 tablespoons of olive oil
- 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
Heat the oil in a non-stick saucepan. Add the tuna steaks and cook for 2 minutes per side. Remove the tuna. Add the lemon juice, zest, mustard and capers. Heat through and serve over the tuna steaks.
Any store bought sorbet. After the dinner you’ve just served up, you can buy dessert. Serve in a champagne glass with fresh strawberries. Save the whipped cream for the bedroom.
Perhaps it won’t be necessary tonight, but at some point in the relationship you’re going to have to concede action-packed movies with explosions and car chases for sappy yarns with hugs and kisses. Just once in a while, you’re going to have to forget about a “romantic comedy” starring Ben Stiller, Own Wilson or Vince Vaughn and instead, consider suggesting these movies for a romantic evening on the couch.
Tom Cruise, Renée Zelweger
Why she’ll like it: Tom Cruise’s fall from grace motivates his quest for professional recovery, and the slow-dawning realization that he needs the love, respect and support of Renée Zellweger. And it has a cute little kid in it.
Why you’ll like it: Renée Zelweger hits the sweet spot when it comes to brains, beauty and sexuality and writer-director Cameron Crowe stars as the voice of our generation. Plus the movie has just enough sports to make you forget it’s a romantic comedy. But we had you at Renée Zelweger.
Why you’ll like it: As Rick, Humphrey Bogart creates one of the coolest characters in movie history. Also, people reference and quote this movie all the time–and you wouldn’t want to be left out. Oh, and there’s Nazis. Here’s looking at you, kid.
John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John
Why she’ll like it: Chicks dig crunchy-on-the-outside, gooey-on-the-inside types and watching the leather jacket wearing, hunky hood with a heart-of-gold Danny Zuko sing toe-tapping tunes will have her dancing in your seat. And it may qualify for “classic” movie status.
Why you’ll like it: The metaphorically brilliant, inuendoed lyrics of Greased Lightnin’ — “With new boosters, plates and shocks, I can get her on my rocks. You know that I ain’t braggin’, she’s a real pussy wagon – Greased Lightnin'” And because: a hickey from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card.
Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet
Why she’ll like it: Leonardo DiCaprio.
Why you’ll like it: The boat sinks.
Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan
Why she’ll like it: This is the romantic comedy by which all other romantic comedies are judged. Boy meets girl, girl hates boy, they become friends and then fall in love.
Why you’ll like it: With Billy crystal as a basketball referee, there are plenty of cameo appearances from NBA players like Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Charles Barkley. Oh wait, that was that other Woody Allen-esque movie with Billy Crystal that was exactly like this one.