Genius pasta salad

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• April 6, 2003 at 11:26 am #6669
  Paul Mayville

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  I know what you’re thinking. Pasta salad? Here? This is a manly website! True that, but every now and then you have to look out for the fairer of the species, ie: the females. This recipe not only <em>appears</em> to be a healthy dish, but it also seems like you spent time and effort. Trust me, chicks dig it when you can round out your grilling skills with a side dish other than potato salad. If you only grill with the boys, right now you are probably asking yourself, "Side dish? That’s when you cook a chicken breast w/the steaks and the ribs, right?" While that is generally the rule, whenever women become involved with cooking, they often request a "balanced meal". I have no idea what this phrase means. I’ve always thought it meant red meat, beer, hard liquor and strippers. Appearently (at least accourding to the ladies) this information is incorrect. So in order to appease your better half, thus allowing you to grill whatever it is you want to on <em>your</em> grill (pork, shark, alleycat) without needless discussion, here’s a sure-fire recipe that make’s you look like the genius that you are. Oh, and it’s a good leftover too.<br />
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  You need:<br />
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  2 1/2lb-3lb bag garden rotini pasta (it’s the multi-colored stuff that looks like wall anchors)<br />
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  1 Lg Squash (the yellow looking thing)<br />
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  1 Cucumber (get one about the same size as the squash. <em>don’t use your girl’s</em>)<br />
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  1 small packet julienne (french) cut carrots (the little slivers)<br />
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  1 container cherry tomatos (they come in green plastic cages)<br />
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  1 bottle extra virgin olive oil (pay the extra $1 for extra virgin. the brand doesn’t matter)<br />
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  1 bottle balsamic vinegar (yes, it needs to be <strong>balsamic</strong>. red or white wine vinegar won’t work)<br />
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  1 can grated parmesan cheese (I shouldn’t have to explain this)<br />
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  1 bottle o’ Montreal Steak seasoning (if you don’t know what this is, ask your dad. it’s a "cheat" spice mix)<br />
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  3 beers (whatever you normally drink)<br />
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  <strong>Pasta instructions:</strong><br />
  First and foremost, you need a pot that will only be 2/3 full when you add the pasta. Trust me, this prevents boil over. Fill that pot 1/2 full of water. Add a dash of olive oil (this also prevents boil over). Crank the stove (you know the stove? the thing you use to light you cigarettes inside) up full throttle and bring the water to a rolling boil (that’s when it looks like it can’t possibly boil any faster/hotter). Open your 1st beer while you are waiting for the water to boil. Add the pasta (stir pasta). At this point, the water will die down (stir pasta). Wait until it starts boiling again (while stirring pasta). Once it is boiling, you can crank the heat down to about 1/2 power (that would be 5 on the dial). You no longer need to stir, as the bubbles on the bottom will keep the past from sticking to the pot. Let boil for about 5 minutes (until firm, but soft. You know, until it’s cooked). While the pasta is cooking, you need to prep your veggies. I’ll cover that in a minute. Calm down, <em>drink your beer </em>(you did remember to open a beer, right?) Remove pot from stove, and empty pasta into a strainer. <strong>Ok, this next part is important</strong>. <em>Run cold water through the strainer. You want the pasta to be cold.</em> Use you hands and make sure the you completely cool down the noodles. After this is done, coat the noodles w/olive oil. This isn’t an exact science. Just make sure all the noodles get covered (stir them w/your hands after you add the oil). You don’t have to worry about using too much, as the excess should strain out. Just try not to over do it. Now you need to add the balsamic vinegar. Same thing. Try not to over do it. You can always add more (taste them and flavor to your liking). Once you have added both the oil and then vinegar, transfer the pasta to the container you are going to serve it out of (not the one you’ve got the veggies in). Add Montreal Steak Seasoning (MSS). Once again, remember you can add more, so don’t go crazy at first. I usually lightly coat the top layer, hand toss the pasta, then taste it. If it needs more, I add more. It’s up to you. Just remember that MSS contains salt, so go easy. Now it’s time to add the parmesan. I use about 1/4 to 1/2 a can. Once again, it’s to taste. Now it’s time to add the veggies (see below). Dump them in and toss them around. Open your last beer. Take a drink. Put a lid (or cling wrap) on the stuff and throw it in the fridge. You’re done. You’ve officially covered your ass in the "sides department". Proceed to the grill and take care of the real cooking.<br />
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  <em>Veggie Prep:</em><br />
  <em>You want to have equal amounts of all veggies</em>. Cut both the squash and the cucumber in half lengthwise (from one end to the other). Take a spoon and scoop out all the pits. Basically, the finished look you are going for is a couple of squash and cucumber canoes. Use the spoon like a plane (like you used in shop) and gently scrape the pits and surrounding pulp out of the veggies. You’ll be able to tell the difference between the pulp you want to keep and the junk to through away. Now take your 4 canoes and cut them into slices. Shoot for just over 1/8 inch thickness. Toss in an equal amount of carrots. You might have leftover carrot slices. Through these away, you’ll never use them. They’ll only end up growing mold in the fridge. Save yourself the trouble of cleaning you fridge late. And anyways, they should have only cost you about $1.50 Throw ’em out. Open your second beer. It’s time to cut the tomatoes. You need to quarter these (cut them in half, then cut the halves in half). Think of them as the key limes you had to cut the last time you drank mexican lager. It will make it go by quicker. Remember, you want to end up w/an equal amount of tomato as you have other veggies. Once again, you’ll probably have extra. You know what to do with any extra. Put all this stuff in a bowl for later.<br />
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  I realize that I kind of wrote this "Pulp Fiction" style, with the middle at the ending. Deal with it. My advise would be to read this first, then make it. Remember, this isn’t the important part of the meal. That would be the meat. The beauty of this recipe is that it will keep overnight (as long as it’s covered), so you can make it at while the coals are heating up. It takes about 7 minutes to make this if you’re in a hurry, give or take a beer. Like I said, it looks deceivingly healthy, so your girl should leave you alone. The aim of all of my cooking is for it to be easy to make, even drunk (<em>ok, especially drunk</em>). I apologize that the first recipe I posted is a side dish. I’ll put my rib recipe on here next week.

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