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A long time ago, my Grandmammy—Angela was her name although I never called her that—got hammered one night and actually had sex with my Grandfather. Through this union came the mother who bore me. Whilst in the womb, a taste for Martini’s was developed, and it was that which my mother craved during her pregnancy with me.
What does that have to do with potato salad? Well, she gave birth to me, and I make the best frickin’ ‘Tater Salad in the world.
- Ingredients:
- 5 LB bag of white potatoes.
- 1 dozen eggs.
- Two large onions (Texas Sweets if you can find them).
- Two 8 oz. Bottles of sweet pickle.
- One thing of celery (What do you call celery? Is it a batch? A stalk? A grouping?).
- Yellow mustard.
- Mayonnaise.
First you’ve got to boil your potatoes and eggs. It’s easy. Just put them in a flame resistant pot, cover with water. Put on the stove, turn on the heat. When the water starts to boil, you can turn the heat down a bit. Take it from Mr. Science, water can only turn to steam so fast, so you don’t need the water at a rapid boil. It’s dangerous.
While the stuffs boiling, slice up your onion, celery and pickles. I like a lot of pickles in mine. If you’re susceptible to painful abdominal gas due to onion intake, then use more celery than onion. Sometimes, as a joke, I use twice as many onions just for kicks. If you’re eating hot dogs with sauerkraut and drinking a beer or two, the rest of the day will be explosive. But if you’re not into that, use more celery.
After about twenty minutes, you’ll want to check on the potatoes. A good way to find if they’re done is to take a long knife and stab one of those suckers. Lift the potato out with the knife. Once you can’t lift a tater out, you’ll know they’re done. Pretend you’re a young King Arthur, standing over the sword in the stone. If the potato (“stone”) slides off the knife (“sword”), they’re done. Put everything in the sink and rinse with cold water. Some say you should let the taters and eggs cool. Others say you don’t. I say, if your hungry, then start cooking.
Cut the potatoes into one inch squares… sometimes I peel the potatoes and sometimes, well, sometimes I don’t. You do what you gotta do. A few skins won’t hurt you none, it’ll just “ditry” your salad a bit. Add to the mix of onion, celery, and pickle. Dice the eggs and throw them in too. Now, you’ve got to use your hands, both of them, to stir this up right. Don’t try and use a spoon or some sissy plastic fork your Mother gave you. Just dig in there and mix it all up good.
Now start adding in the Mayo. Keep stirring. I like to start with three big dollops of Mayo, then mix in more if I have to. You’ll know when you’ve got enough because you’ve seen potato salad before and you know what it looks like. When you’ve got the right ratio of mayonnaise, then add in a few big squirts of yellow mustard. Just get the color tinged yellow. You don’t want too much. It’s here that I like to take some of that nasty pickle juice from the jar and pour it over the top of the big heapin’ mess. I like the sweetness it provides.
You’re almost done. Now you’ve got to salt and pepper to taste. Keep mixin’ with those grubby hands. Lick your fingers once in awhile to see if the taste is right.
You’re now ready to get somebody else to taste it. This is the “taster” phase. You’ve grown too close to your creation, so let a non-partial body have a spoonful. Large breasted ladies in bikini’s make the absolute best tasters.
If, while tasting, they go “Ooooooh,” then it’s ready. If they don’t say anything and just stare at you, then you’ve mixed in cat food instead of pickles. This recipe is too easy to screw up, so you should have something that resembles my Grandmammy’s original recipe.
Store covered in the refrigerator until dinner. Happy Salad!
