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Brooklyn Pilsner

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The Bastard of Brooklyn
By Featured Belly Buddy Mike Best

Brooklyn Brewery
The Brooklyn Brewery in Brooklyn, N.Y. has a pilsner in their line of 11 brews. Considering that I’ve been to Brooklyn, and I’ve had beer in Brooklyn, I can’t imagine how the place spawned such horrible stuff. And I don’t even like Brooklyn.

I ventured out one night to meet this hot busty blonde named Michele. Whenever I meet her somewhere, I arrive early as to guzzle a few pints before she arrives. O.K., she’s my wife and this is a way to sneak in a few---so kill me.

When ordering at the bar, I was confronted with a vast array of taps. My eyes began to swim with all the colorful company logos. Tap handles, by the way, are great provocateurs of consumer cognizance. Anyway, in a reflex, knee-jerk reaction, I blurted out the name on the tap closest to me…the one on the end…Brooklyn Pilsner [and if you think they don’t pay BIG money for that spot on the end, you’re a little boy in a man’s world].

The brew looks like any other pilsner beer. It’s light. For some reason the bubbles seemed huge.

My first sip sent me into an acid-like flashback of doing Olde English 800 Malt Liquor shots in my friend Bart’s 1967 Ford Fairlane 500. You see, the Fairlane was a 3-speed with a 289 Hp Engine, a 4 barrel carb and Police Interceptor heads. It hauled serious ass…for a Ford.

The passenger would poise his can of malt to lips, and the driver would peel out. The result is some serious ingestion. Then, after gulping what could be gulped, the driver would slide a 2nd gear scratch, forcing more Olde English down the shoot. If you didn’t puke at least once, you were considered a god (there’s probably still chunks of mom’s meatloaf in the dashboard).

Ugggh. If that analogy doesn’t convince you this is bad beer---how about this one: Imagine drinking a stale can of Coor’s Light that’s been sitting in the hot sun all day.
Is that screaming I hear?

On a scale of 1 to 10, this thing gets a 3. You have been warned.

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