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Stuffed Maine Lobster

First you’re gonna have to get yourself some lobsters. This isn’t as hard as you would think if you’ve never done it before. If you like tail meat (heh heh) most lobstermen would recommend getting a female whose tail is broader than a male’s of equal size since she uses the space to carry her ‘lil lobster eggs. How do you tell them apart? The male lobster has balls.

Because lobster meat can go bad quickly, you should cook a lobster while it’s still alive. That
means you pick a green lobster, but don’t eat it until its shell turns an embarrasing dead red! If you pull ’em out of the pot and his tail is straight as an arrow, he was probably dead before he hit the water.

I could go on all day about facinating lobster facts, but I’d rather eat…

After you have realized how much money you have spent buying all these ingredients take a deep breath and preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Boil a lot of water and salt it well. It should be close to the same saltiness as sea water. Immerse the lobsters in the pot and cook them for 7-10 minutes, and then let the water cool down while the lobsters are still there.

As they cool, sauté celery, onion, scallops, shrimp and crab meat in butter. Add salt and pepper to taste. Add the MSG (or Accent flaver enhancer) and sherry. Cook a couple of seconds then drain the mixture to remove excess liquid.

Place the lobsters belly side up on a cutting board. Using a sharp knife cut them in half length wise and open them flat. Try not to disturb the meat too much.

Put the strained stuffing mixture in a bowl and add the Mayo, and mix gently. Mound the mixture into each shell, and sprinkle the crackers over the top of the mound. Bake the lobsters on a baking sheet until golden brown, about five to seven minutes. Enjoy, you’re paying!

Pardon us while we pay for beer...